How to be a Leader

Last year, as part of a employee development activity at work, I read "The Leader with no Title" by Robin Sharma.

Since then, I have thought about the book a lot. 

But I'm not sure whether it has helped me, or made me more confused.

The Leader with no Title was the first motivational, leadership, career-building self-help book I've ever read. And I'm glad to have read it. But I don't think that it has motivated me to read many more.  

It's written in what they call a 'modern day fable' style, which makes it a really easy read.  It is also filled with many gems of wisdom and inspirational quotes, which, although individually valuable, quickly become overwhelming and tedious when they are so often repeated, and paraphrased, page after page.

In addition to the pages full of cliches, I was also bothered by the acronyms for the "leadership conversations", given as a means to remember and practise the values that yield leadership.  For example:

The Fourth Leadership Conversation – To be a great leader, first become a great person: SHINE: See clearly, Health is wealth, Inspiration matters, Neglect not your family, Elevate your lifestyle.

I mean, really?

I was also initially quite annoyed by the main premise of the book: that you don't need to be a manager or 'big-wig' to be valuable to your company.  It almost seemed like a conspiracy.  Like if some HR directors and CEOs figured out that they may be able to get their average-joe employees to contribute more to the bottom line by boosting their esteem, telling them that they too can be leaders, and convincing them that the big paycheques, corner offices and managerial perks aren't really important in life.

Yes, it's true.  The managerial perks and big paycheques aren't the most valuable things in life.  A meaningful life comes from doing what we love and loving what we do.  I get that. 

The book focuses a lot on what we can do to improve our lives, rather than looking externally for things to make our lives better.   Quite similar to the circle of influence described by Steven R. Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. 

Another book I haven't read.  But probably should.

It just doesn't always seem that simple.  And the reading of this one book was definitely not enough to have me utterly convinced that its a simple concept to practice and embrace. 

And yet still, I try.

I did take several ideas away with me which I keep going back to in my own head.

Victims make excuses, Leaders find solutions

• Now there's a challenge.  If making an excuse is going to define me as a victim, that's something I want to avoid.  It's just so easy to offer excuses.  There I go again.  Partly why I've adopted a new mantra of 'no excuses'.   To keep me positive.  To keep me from being a victim.

Small daily improvements – over time – lead to stunning results.

• This is an example of one of those 'inspirational quotes' which could easily become cliche, and yet, it is a comforting and motivational idea.  One that makes big things seem not just bearable but surmountable.

Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts we’ve repeated over and over until we’ve made them into personal truths.  Every belief inevitably becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• When talking about being authenic, and true-to-self, Robin Sharma warns to be careful about how we think of and describe ourselves... Which got me to thinking that describing myself as JustAnAverageWorkingMom might be holding me back.  But how can we balance realism and motivation?

Leadership is about knowing very little about most things and a staggering amount about a few things.  Getting things done is not the same as doing great things.

• I think this is a great point about multi-tasking.  I remember struggling even as a kid, wanting to do so many different things, but being dissatisfied with never being exceptional at any of them.  Apparently it is better to focus your efforts and energies.  I believe that now.

The fear you move through when you go to the edge of your limits actually causes your limits to expand. 

• I really like this thought.  It's similar to the piece of advice on my Lululemon lunch bag: Do one thing every day that scares you.  I seldom do, and yet I recognise how important it is for personal development.

The deeper your relationships, the stronger your leadership.  Leave every single person that intersects your path better, happier, and more engaged than you found them.

• Again, the negative voice in my head is speaking up.  I'm just not a people person.  And yet I know how important this is.  Something I definitely need to work on.

I don't know if I'd describe The Leader with no Title as a life-changing read.  But it certainly has stuck with me.

Maybe a career counsellor would help

Every year around this time, I seem to fall into a bit of a motivational slump at work. It may have to do with the reassessment of personal priorities at New Year's, thoughts of career objectives for the current year, or the flurry of activity in the office that doesn't seem to involve me. Whatever it is, I start to feel quite conflicted about what it is that I want to do with my life.

Should I be striving for more, climbing for the next level, changing career directions? 

Is that even possible for me? 

After finishing my undergraduate degree, I couldn't decide on what further education I'd like to pursue, and I considered myself lucky to land a good job.

Then, before I could decide what I really wanted to do when I grew up, I kind of did. I got married, and later had our three kids.

Now the idea of getting another degree or going back to school to pursue a different vocation is overwhelming. And although I don't discount it completely, it certainly would require a shift in mindset, a huge leap of faith, and lots of support. 

Plus, I still don't really know what I'd study.

So for me, although part of me aspires to being more influential and important in my career, at this point of my family life, I just don't see how it's possible.

But then I also worry that I use having a young family as an excuse: "maybe I'll go back to school, focus on career development when the kids are a little older."

Or, maybe I'm just not driven and bright enough to move up the "ladder".

As you can see, I can get myself caught in a real spiral of self-doubt over my true potential and desire.

However, whenever I worry that I'm not doing enough, I remind myself that to my kids, at least for now, I am the most important thing in their world. 

Mostly, it helps.

Behaving Like Children

We’ve all been there. Participating in meetings which seem to go on forever or which don’t really seem to apply to us personally. Feeling like our voices aren’t being heard. Getting really upset by someone’s contrary opinion. Squirming with the rising tension. Sometimes I get frustrated. But I rarely get mad. And I never yell.

But sometimes my mind wanders.


So, (even before hearing about the yelling matches in the Toronto council meeting yesterday) while attending meetings of my own, my wandering mind began to compiling this list of all the childlike behaviours that can reveal themselves from our inner psyches when we ‘grown-ups’ are sitting in business meetings:

No patience. Usually there is an agenda for a meeting. Yet so often, people display that childlike quality of “I want it now” and jump to talking right away about an issue that is most important to them even though it is scheduled to be addressed later on in the agenda.

No focus. I often get frustrated with my 6- and 4-year old daughters for not paying attention when I’m talking to them or asking them to do something. It drives me crazy. It also drives me crazy when people in meetings ask questions or repeat comments that have literally just been addressed.

Going way off topic. When we ask our 2-year old about her day, it starts out all normal talking about story time at daycare and how some kid (often her sister) told her she didn’t want to be her friend anymore. But before you know it, she’s making up stuff about eating bugs for lunch or trying to describe some minute detail about the little thing she found on the playground but then lost and worrying that somebody stole it. It’s kind of adorable. The grown-up version of this happens in meetings all the time. It’s not so adorable. But equally hard to follow. And more frustrating since other people have things to say too and timelines to keep.

Being self-absorbed. You know how kids can go on-and-on-and-on about some topic or another that you really don’t understand or even care too much about. It’s kind of cute and endearing, but not really a waste of my time. However, when someone presented something in a meeting carries on-and-on-and-on, rehashing a topic over-and-over again, going into way too many details or specifics, under a delusion that people are really interested in what it is they are saying, I feel my time wasting away. It drives me crazy.

Over-reacting. We all tend to lose perspective from time to time. My kids are terrific at getting overly dramatic about tiny little things that really aren’t that important; especially since 5 minutes later they’ve probably forgotten about it and moved onto something different all together. It drives me crazy when people do this in meetings though. Make a HUGE deal out of things that either aren’t really that important and/or not totally relevant to what’s being discussed. There is a time and a place. And a thing called perspective.

Falling subject to distractions. We all have a tendency to zone-out after a while when we aren’t completely captivated. Children would just get up and leave. Or, more likely, start acting out for attention. I guess grown-ups kind of do this too: start hushed chit-chat (which isn’t really that quiet), doodling, reading emails, or sending ‘very important’ texts. Or anticipating lunch.

Obsession with food. I’m so guilty of this one. That anticipation when the meeting room door opens and someone wheels in the snack tray or lunch. You can feel the energy and focus shift once food is brought into the room. No one’s really listening anymore. Just salivating at the smell of hot pasta or fresh deli sandwiches…


Then there’s also the ways that you wish you could behave like a child in a meeting:

Falling asleep. Because, really, we could all use more sleep. And sometimes, meetings are really boring!

Tantrums. I’ve heard it called the noodle. My sister calls it the stages of despair. But wouldn’t it be a great release if you could just flop and scream and kick when you didn’t get your way. When no one agreed to your idea. Wouldn’t that take them by surprise! Would they listen then?

Getting up and walking away. Seriously. How great would it be if you could just stomp out, or ‘take your ball and go home’ when no one is listening to you or your concerns, or playing by your own rules!

I hadn’t included name-calling and shouting in my lists, but apparently some grown-ups, politicians no less, feel this is an acceptable way to behave in meetings.

I'd be giving them a time out.

Having it all

As I've mentioned before, I really am just an average working mom.  At least, I am an average employee:  I’m not in management.  I do a decent job.  I'm not terribly important.  For the most part, I’m OK with this.  But sometimes, I get into a bit of funk: 

I struggle with my professional purpose - I question my value as an employee versus my value as a mom.   I get discouraged with the day-in, day-out, and I wonder why I am fighting so hard, (or perhaps not fighting hard enough) to get to work each day, and to make my work worthwhile, while at the same time sacrificing a more present role in the day-to-day life of my children to a nanny with whom I not entirely pleased.  Would they be so sassy and emotional and cunning if it were me looking after them every day?  If I’m not making a significant impact to the world in a professional sense, perhaps my efforts and energies would be best focused on my children?  But could really be happy and satisfied looking after my three little munchkins all day, day after day…?

This past week, I was in such a funk.  While I’m sure that several successive hot, humid days, hot, restless nights and resultant crappy sleeps were significant contributing factors to my discouraged state, knowing the cause isn’t necessarily enough to alleviate the problem.

But, when I read "Why Women Still Can't Have It All", written by Anne-Marie Slaughter for the Atlantic, on the evening of a humidity releasing storm, my funk and the heat wave resolved almost simultaneously. 

Here's what I read in Anne-Marie Slaughter's article which made me feel better:

“Many of these women are not worried about having it all, but rather about holding on to what they do have.”

I don’t fit into Slaughter’s demographic of the “highly educated, well-off women who are privileged enough to have choices in the first place”.  I suppose it's possible that I could have aspired to be, but I never chose to pursue a graduate degree or a high-end profession that could have led me to a ‘leadership rank’, even before I started a family.  I’m not that driven, and I don’t think I want to be.  It’s not that I’m not worried about having it all, but I think I decided that I don’t really want it all anyway, even before I had children.

“To be sure, the women who make it to the top are highly committed to their profession.  On closer examination, however, it turns out that most of them have something else in common: they are genuine superwomen... These women cannot possibly be the standard against which even very talented professional women should measure themselves.  Such a standard sets up most women for a sense of failure.”

See.  I was right.  Those highly successful, government officials or leadership types really are exceptional people.  

“In Midlife Crisis at 30, Mary Matalin recalls her days working as President Bush’s assistant and Vice President Cheney’s counselor: … ‘I finally asked myself, “Who needs me more?" And that’s when I realized, it’s somebody else’s turn to do this job. I’m indispensable to my kids, but I’m not close to indispensable to the White House.’”

This really helps put things into perspective for me.  Not that I’m about to quit my job anytime soon, but when I’m having a frustrating time with work, it really does help to remember that to my kids, I am the most important thing in the world.

“Cheryl Mills, Hillary Clinton’s indefatigable chief of staff, has twins in elementary school; even with a fully engaged husband, she famously gets up at four every morning to check and send e-mails before her kids wake up.”

OK.  So maybe I can try harder to get out of bed earlier.  Maybe not at 4 a.m., and not for doing e-mail, but I’m sure I could adjust to an earlier start in the morning in order to fit in some reading or exercise… something that could help me feel as though I have more control over my day.

“Women who have children in their late 20s can expect to immerse themselves completely in their careers in their late 40s, with plenty of time still to rise to the top in their late 50s and early 60s.”

This really took the pressure off for me.  The idea that I still have almost 10 years to balance the care of a young family with my job before I will really be able to more thoroughly devote myself to a career.  Phew.  I never thought too much about how much time I still have for my career development.   In the next 10 years, I may even have time to get another degree or maybe change my path completely.  It was reassuring to know that there is still lots of time to figure it all out.

“One of the most complicated and surprising parts of my journey out of Washington was coming to grips with what I really wanted.”

Since I don’t think I really know yet what it is that I want, I should really stop stressing about it so much.  I guess I should be grateful for the family-work life balance that I have, enjoy the ride, and make the best of situation I have right now, in order to try to figure out what it is that I want anyway.

“It’s all fine and well for a tenured professor to write about flexible working hours, investment intervals, and family-comes-first management.  But what about the real world?  Most American women cannot demand these things, particularly in a bad economy, and their employers will have little incentive to grant them voluntarily.”

Wait.  I do have flex-hours, and a very family-friendly employer.  I am lucky to have the job that I have.  I really shouldn’t stress about these things.  I am fortunate and grateful.

Maybe I don't have it 'all', but for now, I think I have just enough.

Hiding behind my children

Although we usually think of kids cowering behind their parents' legs, I sometimes feel as though it is me who is hiding behind my children. 

It's not that I'm unbearably shy.  But I certainly don't have an outgoing and gregarious personality.   Just like little children hiding behind their parents, it takes me a while to warm up to others and become relaxed enough to be myself around them.  Social situations can be uncomfortable and stressful - I worry about whether I've visited with and chatted to everyone, or if I’ve come across as being unfriendly and austere, and I hope I don’t come across as clumsy or gauche. 

Sometimes, I worry that I am socially awkward.  But, in ways that are both good and bad, having young children provides a way to hide.

In social situations with my children present, I can use my children as an excuse to limit the amount of mingling, chatting and socialising I do.  Having 3 young daughters to care for requires a lot of attention, so it is all too easy to hide behind the requirements of motherhood as a reason for not being more sociable.  The messes to clean up, keeping them busy and entertained so they don’t get out of hand, getting food and drink, making trips to the bathroom, their demands for attention and a platform to speak… a friend of mine calls it ‘kid interruptitis’.  It all takes time and energy away from the efforts I should be making to visit and talk with the others around me. 

And although it is simple enough to shield myself from awkward social situations by using my children as an excuse, I know that I shouldn’t rely on it.  I need to overcome this defence mechanism or I may never develop the social graces and relationship skills that would be of great benefit to me, both personally and professionally.

My workplace recently hosted a family social event, which seemed like a great opportunity to bring everyone’s worlds of work and home together.  I was excited to introduce my family and show how much the kids had grown since I last brought them into the office during maternity leave, and I was really looking forward to meeting the family and children of my colleagues.  It also should have been a good opportunity for relationship building.  But once we were at the group lunch, it felt as though I didn’t really see or talk to anyone at all.  I think my husband and girls did more socialising than me.  We sat with some friends, but it seems like I spent more time getting food and drinks and napkins than actually visiting.   And as families arrived and departed, I was too tense about avoiding any antics or tantrums to stay and mingle with my co-workers.   I hid behind my children.  I missed the opportunity to get to know my friends’ partners or kids, and to nurture relationships with my colleagues.

So even though the busyness of my children can be a welcome distraction for me in social situations, I know that it's something I shouldn't rely on.  Much like we encourage our children to come out from behind their parent's legs, I too will work on developing my social side.  After all, the kids are going to grow up eventually, and then who will I hide behind?

Highly Successful

I really am just an average working mom.  I’m not in management.  I don’t have hundreds of emails in my inbox every day.  I don't spend my days in back to back meetings.  I don't often find myself working late at night or travelling away from home.  But even as an average employee, finding balance with family life is hard. 

Like many, I've always been fascinated by the lives of the important and powerful.  Lately, with talk of surtaxes in Ontario for individuals who earn more than $500,000 a year, and the Ann Romney/Heidi Rosen-renewed mommy wars in the US, I've become even more intrigued with the career paths and daily lives of the highly successful.  The government officials, the top executives, the big wigs.  How do they get there?  How do they do it?  Do they have children? How on earth do they manage?  Can they really balance family and career?

I recognise that some very talented people excel in everything they do.  These exceptional people are highly respected at work, run marathons, chair volunteer committee, regularly make gourmet meals, decorate gorgeous cookies for hockey team fundraisers, and design elaborate costumes for Halloween parties and dance recitals.  So perhaps the highly successful CEOs, and political leaders with children are the type of highly intelligent, passionate, driven, and well-connected individuals who excel in everything.  Perhaps they can be both important and powerful at their jobs, and also be wonderful, caring and attentive parents.  They just probably never sleep.

However, I imagine that there must be more to being both a parent and highly successful in your career than simply being exceptional.  I mean, even the exceptional can't possibly be weighing big decisions which affect whole populations while watching their son chase a soccer ball, or deciding on the investment of millions of dollars while listening to their daughter whine about what skirt she wants to wear.  It isn't really possible to do it all, is it? 

I've heard two different answers when I ask the question:  "How do they do it?"  The first is, they don't.   The second is, they just do.

So if it isn't truly possible to do it all, these powerful executive parents must have amazing support networks.  Partners and families, for sure.  And I guess that once a certain pay-band is acquired en route to the top, live-in nannies, cleaning staff, cooks and chauffeurs are employed which allows additional focus on work and further career development.  Maybe then, they can sleep.

But if they really are doing it all, how well are they doing?  At some point, something's got to give.  Unfortunately, I suspect that for most highly successful moms, it's the me-time, the chance to relax, regroup and be herself that is lost.  And I'm sure they don't ever sleep.

Maybe the 'they do' and 'they don't' responses are just a matter of perspective.  In the pull between family and work, for the high-powered executives and leaders, the priority must be toward the job, right?  The work-life balance can't really be so balanced.  And I guess that's a decision that gets made somewhere along the career path.  Whether its made by or for them is probably another matter altogether.Sheryl Sandeberg, COO of Facebook recently shared that she makes it a priority to leave the office at 5:30 each day in time to have dinner with her kids.   Although one has to believe that she also does a lot of work in the early morning and late at night to compensate.  However, she suggests that it is possible to have a highly successful career and a balanced family life.  She advises that a strong support system (i.e. a husband able to share the responsibilities) and having a well established job and career path before starting a family have enabled her to manage.  I'm still not convinced that she sleeps very much. 

Although I sometimes think about furthering my career, or 'getting ahead', I'm certain that I'll never be a highly successful, powerful executive.  And I'm certainly glad that as an average working mom, my biggest decision of the day is usually "What am I going to make for dinner?"  And usually, I manage to sleep.

The Perfect Job

Way back when we were just starting out, back before children were even on the horizon, my hubby and I thought a lot about the perfect job. It was sometimes a conversation starter: "If you could have any job you'd like, what would it be?". For hubby, it has always been to own a record shop - like John Cusack in High Fidelity, or his favourite Toronto music store, Soundscapes.  For me, I thought running or maybe even just working in a florist shop or gardening centre would be perfect.

We haven't talked as much about finding the perfect job lately.  In fact, I had almost forgotten the 5 criteria we had decided upon for finding an ideal job. 

Criteria for an Ideal Job

1. The location must be reasonably close to home.  We always thought that being able to walk or bike to work would be ideal, amazing really.  But even a reasonable commute by car or public transportation is totally fine, as long as the commute leans more towards acceptable than unbearable.

2.  You need to like the people you work with.  Given the amount of time that we all spend at work, it's important to enjoy yourself and be comfortable around your colleagues.  I'm not saying that I need to best buds with my coworkers, but having friendly relationships makes the work day less stressful and more fun.

3.  The work itself should be meaningful.  This is not to say that we all need to work for not-for-profit, community-enriching companies, but I definitely want to feel that my work or the company I am working for is about more than the bottom line.  I want to feel as though the work I do is valuable to someone more than just my employer.

4.  You should feel sufficiently challenged by the work that is required from you. Let's face it, a lot of life is spent working.  Yes, there are challenges at home, volunteer opportunities, as well as hobbies and other activities that we may choose to pursue in order to expand our minds, develop our talents and skills.  But given the investment we make into our job, we thought that it's important that we grow and develop while we're at it.

5.  The compensation should be reasonable.  Of course, there is probably some balance between what someone would consider an acceptable salary based on how well the other criteria are satisfied: We agree that in some scenarios, probably no amount of money would be acceptable, while in other cases, we might be willing to accept a lower salary if it meant that we could be really happy with everything else.

Looking back on these criteria now, I think they are still pretty accurate.  However, now that I'm a working mom, I might somehow work in the importance for work-life balance.  In fact, I'm sure that anyone with children must recognise the need to balance personal life and work life.  So I'm adding another criterion for an ideal job:

6.  The employer and working environment should not just acknowledge, but support the priority of family.

I'm fortunate to say that my job and I are doing very well on all of these criteria.  No job is perfect, of course, but lucky for me, I think I may have what is very close to an ideal job.