On parties and playdates

Yesterday, I dressed up as a princess to go to a birthday party with with almost-5-year old daughter.  It was a princess-party, obviously, attended by about a dozen friends from pre-school, and parental escorts, all dressed up.  The house was beautifully decorated with lanterns and banners. There were fancy cookies, pinwheel sandwiches, fruit kabobs, and a rice krispy tower. Rapunzel, herself, was even there as a special guest.

Meanwhile, beyond a gathering of aunts and uncles and grandparents, I have never even hosted a birthday party for any of my three girls.

I had always thought that turning five was a good time to start throwing birthday parties.  But my oldest is now six and a half, and my middle is about to turn five. And we're still party-free.

We also don't do the playdate circuit.

It's just always seemed too complicated to me.

As for birthday parties, my excuse is partly because my oldest's birthday is in early September,  before school starts.  And at five turning six, she didn't yet have a real established group of friends.  Or least friends for which I had the contact information for the parents. 

I guess that is the real problem here.  My unease in being socially outgoing.  I'm just not good at initiating relationships, making connections and developing friendships.

Which I'm mostly okay with, personally. 

But for my daughters, I know that I need to work harder on this.  It's hard to justify not giving them a birthday party just because I'm uncomfortable approaching their friends' parents.  I don't want to feel responsible for denying them opportunities to have fun with their friends, or for leading them to be as socially awkward as their mom.

So I'm going to work on this.  It'll be as good for me as for them, right?

Next question: Is two weeks enough advance notice for a birthday party invitation for my five year old?

How to be a Leader

Last year, as part of a employee development activity at work, I read "The Leader with no Title" by Robin Sharma.

Since then, I have thought about the book a lot. 

But I'm not sure whether it has helped me, or made me more confused.

The Leader with no Title was the first motivational, leadership, career-building self-help book I've ever read. And I'm glad to have read it. But I don't think that it has motivated me to read many more.  

It's written in what they call a 'modern day fable' style, which makes it a really easy read.  It is also filled with many gems of wisdom and inspirational quotes, which, although individually valuable, quickly become overwhelming and tedious when they are so often repeated, and paraphrased, page after page.

In addition to the pages full of cliches, I was also bothered by the acronyms for the "leadership conversations", given as a means to remember and practise the values that yield leadership.  For example:

The Fourth Leadership Conversation – To be a great leader, first become a great person: SHINE: See clearly, Health is wealth, Inspiration matters, Neglect not your family, Elevate your lifestyle.

I mean, really?

I was also initially quite annoyed by the main premise of the book: that you don't need to be a manager or 'big-wig' to be valuable to your company.  It almost seemed like a conspiracy.  Like if some HR directors and CEOs figured out that they may be able to get their average-joe employees to contribute more to the bottom line by boosting their esteem, telling them that they too can be leaders, and convincing them that the big paycheques, corner offices and managerial perks aren't really important in life.

Yes, it's true.  The managerial perks and big paycheques aren't the most valuable things in life.  A meaningful life comes from doing what we love and loving what we do.  I get that. 

The book focuses a lot on what we can do to improve our lives, rather than looking externally for things to make our lives better.   Quite similar to the circle of influence described by Steven R. Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. 

Another book I haven't read.  But probably should.

It just doesn't always seem that simple.  And the reading of this one book was definitely not enough to have me utterly convinced that its a simple concept to practice and embrace. 

And yet still, I try.

I did take several ideas away with me which I keep going back to in my own head.

Victims make excuses, Leaders find solutions

• Now there's a challenge.  If making an excuse is going to define me as a victim, that's something I want to avoid.  It's just so easy to offer excuses.  There I go again.  Partly why I've adopted a new mantra of 'no excuses'.   To keep me positive.  To keep me from being a victim.

Small daily improvements – over time – lead to stunning results.

• This is an example of one of those 'inspirational quotes' which could easily become cliche, and yet, it is a comforting and motivational idea.  One that makes big things seem not just bearable but surmountable.

Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts we’ve repeated over and over until we’ve made them into personal truths.  Every belief inevitably becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• When talking about being authenic, and true-to-self, Robin Sharma warns to be careful about how we think of and describe ourselves... Which got me to thinking that describing myself as JustAnAverageWorkingMom might be holding me back.  But how can we balance realism and motivation?

Leadership is about knowing very little about most things and a staggering amount about a few things.  Getting things done is not the same as doing great things.

• I think this is a great point about multi-tasking.  I remember struggling even as a kid, wanting to do so many different things, but being dissatisfied with never being exceptional at any of them.  Apparently it is better to focus your efforts and energies.  I believe that now.

The fear you move through when you go to the edge of your limits actually causes your limits to expand. 

• I really like this thought.  It's similar to the piece of advice on my Lululemon lunch bag: Do one thing every day that scares you.  I seldom do, and yet I recognise how important it is for personal development.

The deeper your relationships, the stronger your leadership.  Leave every single person that intersects your path better, happier, and more engaged than you found them.

• Again, the negative voice in my head is speaking up.  I'm just not a people person.  And yet I know how important this is.  Something I definitely need to work on.

I don't know if I'd describe The Leader with no Title as a life-changing read.  But it certainly has stuck with me.

Girls' Night

Last weekend I was invited to a:

The invitation read:

No trying to fit into some hot pair of non-mom jeans,

no sweaty 19-year-old dudes, no cover charge, and NO KIDS!

Just a bunch of ladies, calories, and uninterrupted

conversations. Plus, maybe you will leave with a

new outfit or two for you and your kiddos!

Like most parents, I don't get out much.  Especially just to hang out with friends.  So, although I often shy away from social situations, especially ones in which I don't know everyone there really well, I was excited to accept the invitation and have the chance to hang out with some other moms and women.

The evening wasn't anything exceptionally exciting.  We stayed in.  Drank wine.  Ate sweet treats.  Played board games. Swapped clothing.  And talked. 

It was a really good evening.  I laughed, I enjoyed myself, and I appreciated the opportunity to listen and share. 

In fact, the evening really reminded me how important it is to get out of the house, away from our husbands and kids and maternal roles.  Time to be yourself, by yourself, with your peers.  No children to distract us from talking about stuff.  Stuff that really mattered to us.  And stuff that doesn't really matter at all.

It was reassuring to talk things out with other like-minded moms and women.  We talked about children sleeping in our beds, trying to fit into pre-parenthood clothes, trash-y television shows, vacations with kids, toiletting experiences in exotic countries, how our tempers have worsened with children, what we remember from our own childhoods, what we hope our children don't remember from theirs, crazy stories about things our kids have done, and how things do seem to get a little easier with time.

The experience actually reminded me a little of the pre-natal classes and mom's groups that I was part of way back when... before the little lives and routines of our children got a little too complicated to fit in women-only social activities. 

Just as before, it was such a comfort to talk things through with other women.  To hear that we're not alone in some of the challenges we face every day.

What I want and what I do are often quite different

For example:

I wish I were slim. But I crave chocolate and sweets and eat them irrationally and uncontrollably.

I love my kids to pieces. But often I’m not really present with them when I have the chance.

I want to do something different, more challenging, and more meaningful in my career. But I am incredibly comfortable with where I am and what I have.

I want to be fit and toned. But I fail to make fitness a priority.

I actually really enjoy managing our household: making sure there are groceries, planning the meals, sorting through all the stuff, keeping our lives organised. But I go a little crazy trying to balance it all with a full-time job.  But I'd go crazy if that is all I had to do.

When I’m at work, I think about all the things I could be doing at home. When I’m at home, I’m often thinking about work.

I want my kids to participate in activities like swimming and dance and gymnastics and soccer… There are things I’d like to do more of too.  But I dislike too much running around and there aren’t enough hours in the day or days in the week, so we all do less than we'd like. 

I'd like a simpler life, with more time for me and my husband and my children. But we have three young girls, two full-time jobs, two pets, one mortgage.

During the week, I look forward to the weekend. But by Sunday afternoon, I’m looking forward to going back to work.

I want my girls to grow up being confident and proud and to feel good about their appearance and abilities. But I’m not sure I feel this way myself.

I often feel inspired by motivational quotations and ideas.  Yet I fail to follow through with the suggestions they make.

I think about doing things differently, making changes and challenging myself.  But I continue to live with what I have and what I know because it's comfortable.

Maybe it's time to start doing things differently.  But am I ready?

Little Challenges

I'm not really big on New Year's Resolutions.  

After several years of resolving (and failing): to work out more, to take the stairs at work, to cut out sugar, to abstain from chocolate, to spend less money, to lose 5, 10, 15 pounds... I've decided to change my approach.  

I'd rather feel proud of little incremental accomplishments throughout the year instead of suffering the defeat of a failing to achieve some larger goal. I'd prefer to set myself small goals and challenges to meet little-by-little, rather than trying to commit myself to some lofty ambition for the year. 

I've also learned that I'm usually more successful at goals to do or add something to my life, than goals in which I try to give something up.

So, I've given some thought to some small projects I might be able to work into my life this year:

1.  Eat more kale.  
2.  Use my slow-cooker more often.
3.  Go to the hair-dresser more than once a year.

And, oh yeah,
4.  Play my ukulele more often.

And since all goals should be SMART goals, I'll aim to eat kale, use the crock-pot and play my uke (not necessarily all together) once a week, and to keep me accountable, post my recipes and experiences here.   


As for the hairdresser, since I obviously need some help in this department: does every three months sound right?

One Lonely Ukulele

  

I have a ukulele. 

My husband bought it for my birthday last year after I expressed an interest in learning how to play.  And I do.  I do want to learn to play.

My birthday just past again, and I think it's been out of the case less than a dozen times.

There's just never enough time to do all the things I'd like to do.  Not enough hours in the day.  It's a phrase uttered so often that it's become a cliche.  But it seems so true.   Especially at this time of year.  When the self-imposed expectations of things to do for the holidays are piled up on top of all the regular things.   Things like:

• making some of the 16 crafts that my 6-year-old has page-marked in our Christmas crafts book,
• baking cookies and treats from scratch to share with friends and neighbours, and 
• writing and sending Christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. (One year I thought of starting a new New Year's card trend, but I realised that people would recognise my creativity as procrastination.)

But even before the Christmas rush, and in addition to my Never-Gets-Done-List, here are several other things that I'd do if only I had more time:

• I'd practise my ukulele more. 

• I'd read some of the books on my long list of books I'd like to read: "French Women Don't Get Fat", "The Happiness Project" and "I Don't Know How She Does It" have been sitting on my bedside table for months.  There's also "What Should I Do With My Life" waiting in iBooks for me.  And a whole 'nother list of good fiction that I've heard about or has been recommended to me over the years.

• I'd get around to actually shaping and painting my nails after trimming them.   I usually think, oh good my nails are short enough now to play the ukulele, but then my nails grow too quickly, and I've neither filed them or practised the uke.  (Sorry if this part was kind of gross.) 

• I'd love to get back to taking dance classes.  And learn how to sing harmony. Or join a musical theatre group.  Maybe I've just been watching too much Glee.  Or singing too many Christmas songs.

I'm sure I'm sounding whiny and complain-y, like I'm making excuses for not getting to do the things I'd like to do.  The positive motivational voice in my head saying "just go and do it if you are serious about it" or "If you really wanted to do something, you'd make the time for it."  And other voices saying "just relax, there'll be time for all the things you want to do once the kids are bigger."   (I'm not crazy.  Really.)

One suggestion of course, is to wake up earlier, stay up later, and generally sleep less.  But there's this fine line for finding the right amount of sleep.   If I get less sleep yet find more me-time, there's a balance between rewarding happiness and satisfaction from doing things I want to do, and the risk of being too grouchy and grumpy and compounded grouchiness because I know I'm not making anyone else happy.  Does this make sense to anyone else?  (Maybe I am losing my mind.)

So, I try to find balance and listen mostly to the voice that says there will be more time once the kids are a little bigger.   

And, kind of like the guitar that gently weeps, the ukulele sits lonely in its case.

What would you find the time to do for yourself if there were more hours in the day?

Giving Tuesday

I'd heard a lot about Black Friday.  I even experienced it one year in Boston.  Although all I can recall is a hazy memory of a crowded mall and G.I. Joe action figures.  I don't think we bought anything else.

This was the first year I really became aware of Canadian retailers marketing Black Friday so strongly.  The first time that such strong efforts were made by Canadian stores to keep Canadians in Canada with super specials and bargain buys on the last Friday of November.

It wasn't our intention to go Black Friday shopping, but since my husband and I both had the day off and we had some things to buy (dress pants for him, black shoes for me) we ended up at the mall.

Sure, there were good deals.  And we got what we were looking for.  But I couldn't help feeling terribly overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of things to buy.  By the volume of stuff that was somehow suggested we needed.  By the rows and rows of cars in the parking lot.  By the number of people in the mall.  By the amount of money being spent.  By the thought that we had just spent money that we don't really have.

That's probably what I thought about the most: all of us spending lots of money, probably mostly on credit, on lots of stuff that we don't really need.

I also thought about all of our money going to big stores and major corporations instead of the little shops in our neighbourhood owned by people just like us, trying to make a living.

I'm hoping that it was my last trip to a mall during this holiday season.  I'm going to try to do my holiday shopping in the local businesses and small stores downtown. 

And then there's Cyber Monday.  SOOOO many emails from retailers about special online deals that I'll never open.  Delete. Delete. Delete.   Sure, online shopping would be a great way to avoid the mall, but I remain a litle skeptical about buying more things I don't need, sight unseen, and trusting they'll arrive in the mail in time for the big day.  And to hear about the crazy amounts online sales made by retailers in a single day!  1 billion US dollars online alone!  So much money spent on things and stuff...

Then, I read about Giving Tuesday, and I started to feel better. 

A day to give back to your community. A day to donate to charity.  A day to compensate for all of the greed and consumption of commercial goods that can all too easily take over the holiday season. 

Charities could market Giving Tuesday as the day to purchase 'gifts' for those on your list who are hard-to-buy-for.   How about hens and a rooster, or mosquito nets for families in Africa on behalf of your great-aunt who has everything?

Or organizations could plug Giving Tuesday as a day to secure pledges from individuals to commit to volunteer efforts over the holidays or in the New Year.  

Wouldn't it be great if Giving Tuesday would catch on?  A movement to encourage us to rethink how much money we spend on 'stuff' for family, friends and ourselves.  On people who already have so much.  A campaign to encourage us to donate as much to deserving charities that help those in the world that truly know the difference between 'want' and 'need'.

There's still time left, what are you doing for Giving Tuesday today?

A Life Changing Event

Do you ever wish that some kind of monumental event would happen in your life?  Something that would knock you sideways and force you to change the way you live.  Something that requires you to reassess your priorities and really do something about them.  Something that might change your life.

Here's what happened this morning:

In an email from the CEO first thing this morning, it was announced that the company would be reducing and reorganising the workforce, and that each and every department would be affected in some way by these changes. 

What a way to start the day.  

I got that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.   Dread.  Worry.  Anxiety.

I started to worry about how much I contribute at work.  How valuable I am to the company.  How often I cram in my work and dash off to care for my kids. 

I thought about all my colleagues in my department and in the organisation as a whole.  Who would be let go?  Who's role is redundant?  Who isn't pulling their weight?  Could I be one of them?

With each ding of email notification, my stomach dropped a little lower.

I couldn't decide if it was a good or not-so-good thing to be working from home today.  Working from home to care for my sick daughter.   Away from all the sadness and tension at the office, but also disconnected from it. 

And what if I was on the list?  Would I get a call at home?  Would they wait until tomorrow?

As I went out to walk the dog, I thought about it a lot.  What would I do if I lost my job?

I wouldn't be a working mom any more.
I wouldn't feel so rushed all the time.  Rushing to get to work, to get my work done, to get errands done and groceries bought, to pick up the kids, to make dinner.
I wouldn't be subjected to the terrible commute by car each day.
I would be able to pursue other goals, ideas, dreams.
I would be able to get some exercise and take care of myself.
I might be happier.

So, maybe losing my job wouldn't be such a bad thing.  Maybe losing my job would be just the kind of monumental event I sometimes fantasize about.  Something that would really shake me out of the day-in, day-out of my average life, and allow me to find and pursue a real passion.  Maybe it would change my life for the better.

But,
I wouldn't have my income.
I would have lost my job.
It would be devastating.
I would be shocked and heart-broken.

Soon after returning from my walk, I got an instant message from my boss.

"Can you call me?  I'm in the conference room."

Sh*t.

That sickening feeling suddenly swelled up again.

Breathing steadily, I dialed and spoke cautiously through the hellos and how are yous.

Mercifully, she quickly got to the point.

I'm safe.  I still have my job. 

I'm still a working mom.

My heart goes out to my colleagues who lost their jobs today.

Losing It

I hate it when it happens.  Luckily, it hasn't happened for a while.  But tonight, I lost it. 

I lost my temper.  

My anger had been building up all day.  But there was no good reason for it.


By bedtime, I was tense.  My nerves were frayed, and my non-listening, talking back, whining, make-a-big-deal-out-of-every-little-thing children were getting on every last one of them.
(Hind sight being 20/20 and all, I can appreciate now that they were feeling the same way.  It's a long day for kids too.  I should have just put them to bed.)

Right before turning out the lights for bedtime, (If only I could have held out a few minutes longer...) the unfortunate target for my outburst was my oldest daughter. But of course, all girls were scared by my yelling.

Quickly stepping back from my tirade, I snuggled with all the girls, and apologized for losing my temper.  I tried to explain that it was okay for me to feel angry, but even if I was tired and grumpy, I shouldn't have yelled.  That the way I behaved was wrong and not acceptable.  That even though I was angry and that I yelled, I love them more than anything in the world.

Here's how they reacted:

2.5 y.o. Daughter -  "When you're naughty, you have to go in cave with Spider-Man.  Then you can come out".  Big hug and kiss.

6 y.o. Daughter on hearing what youngest said - Laughed.  "Just try to be nicer next time".  Lots of big hugs and kisses.

4 y.o. Daughter - Fell asleep.

Assuming that we all lose our tempers from time to time, how do you talk about it with your kids?

Giving Thanks

Gratitude the feeling of appreciation within us.

Being thankful is expressing that gratitude to someone.

And thanksgiving is the celebration of everything that we have to be thankful for.

I recently started a Gratitude Journal, hoping that by capturing little things from everyday I can become more appreciative of my busy and challenging but wonderful life.

And today, although it got left until the last minute, I didn't want Thanksgiving to pass without using this space to give thanks to the important people in my life...

I'm grateful to my parents for their unconditional love and support, and for instilling in me the values of hard work and patience.  I'm thankful for the wonderful childhood they gave me, which was filled with so many opportunities to learn and grow.  I truly appreciate the responsibility and independence they taught me, and how they provided me with a model for how to raise my own family.  On a practical note, I'm also thankful for the fun family visits at the big house or cottage, how they get up early with the girls and let me sleep in, and the holidays for the girls when we need help with childcare.

So many thanks are needed for my sister.  I am grateful for all the times she drops by to visit, sometimes with croissants or other goodies, but always ready to jump in and offer us another set of hands.  I am so appreciative of all the times she sticks around until bedtime to help with bathtime and stories, how she occupies the girls with creative crafts and activities, takes them out for walks or library trips or knitting lessons, giving us a break or a chance to get some job done.  I love how she feels comfortable enough in our midst to intervene in sibling squabbles, tantrums, whining, and other episodes of poor behaviour.  Not to mention all the babysitting she has provided for us, offering us the chance to get out some evenings to reconnect as husband and wife, instead of mommy and daddy for awhile.  And the effort she makes to ensure I get out on my own with trips to the movies or shopping.  She helps us out so often and so much, that it is hard to say thank you enough.

For my in-laws, I have so many things to be thankful.  Foremost are the weekly visits which include child care pick-up, dinner, clean-up, dog-walking, and bath- and bedtime assistance.  Every week that they come, I am so grateful for the extra hands, and the extra free time in the evenings that I believe I am noticeably more relaxed, more likely to crack a bad joke, more likely to laugh and enjoy the craziness of dinner time.  And yet, since it happens with such regularity, I fear that my appreciation is not communicated as clearly as it should be.  But I am so grateful.  I am also thankful for their generous financial support, family vacations and the general looking after us that they continually provide.  They are always offering to help looking after the children when they're too sick for school or daycare or when gaps in childcare arise.  And of course, I am also thankful to them for the great job they did in raising their son.

To my husband, I am grateful for his love.   He looks after my mind and my spirit, he makes me laugh, he inspires me to dream, and he encourages me to look after and love myself.  (Although I'm sure he sometimes doubts this,) He keeps me sane. Plus, he bears an enormous responsibility in raising our family.  Women may often feel that they alone do everything for their family. But although I may sometimes feel that our loads are not equally balanced when it comes to chores and responsibilities, I know that I could not do it alone.   He does so much more to support me than can be calculated on a chore chart.  He is a wonderful father, sharing many good values like self-confidence, healthy living and following ones' dreams.  He is fair and stern, but fun and loving.  He lights up our home, and my life.

So, although my life can seem repetitive and challenging on a day-to-day basis, I am truly grateful for  those people in my life who make it not just easier, but also more rewarding and more fun.  I know I don't say it often enough, but thank you.  Thank you every day.

This photo is added with sarcasm.  Although it is totally counter

to the theme of my post, I couldn't resist.

Early Bird

Many life coaches and motivational speakers suggest that waking up early is the best way to start your day.  It's your chance to make time for yourself and own your day. 

I think we all know it, intuitively. And there's that expression about the early birds and the worms. So it must be true, right?

It's about more than catching worms though.  I first really came across the idea reading The Leader Who Had No Title, by Robin Sharma.  He, along with other inspiration leaders, suggest that waking up early each day can be the key to your success because it allows you to own your day, and devote your best energy to yourself.  Robin Sharma even demands that we should wake up at 5 am (!) in order to spend time in personal development: reconnecting with our values, renewing, regenerating and regrounding ourselves.  Life coaches acknowledge that its not easy, but stress that the discipline it takes to get up so early will permeate into other areas of your life.  They also suggest that to get yourself in the habit of waking up early you'll need to go to bed earlier, plan on an activity that you'll enjoy, and write out your worries so you can sleep better and awake refreshed.

Now, I always take motivational speakers with a grain of salt, but I love the idea of having some quiet time to myself before anyone is awake.  Before anyone is demanding milk, and toast, and opening the fridge grabbing random foods.  And so, I've been working on making it a habit. 

For a while in the summer, I got onto a really good roll.  The alarm was set for 5:36 am so that I could sneak out the door before, and without any of the children waking up.  (My wake-up time had already been pushed back by 10 minutes after my youngest kept waking up before I got out the door.  Then I even oiled the hinges on the bathroom and front doors, and figured out that changing into my running clothes downstairs and putting on my runners outside increased my chances of making my getaway.)

And I had some great early morning runs along the boardwalk.  Or on some mornings, I practiced some yoga.  The time to myself was wonderful.  It was so quiet.  And I could think clearly for myself.  Not to mention how virtuous I felt for getting exercise before I had even really started my day.   

My strategy included going to bed by 10:30, even if it meant leaving the lunch-making and tidying up until the morning.  After all, with an early start, I still had a bit of time in the morning to finish up some loose ends. 

Or did I?  At least one of the girls (usually the youngest) was almost always awake by the time I got back from my run, sometimes having snuggled with Daddy until she heard me unlocking the door.  Then the girls would 'help' me with my stretches and ab work out (Tip: plank can be made more challenging by adding a 35 lb daugther to your back, or by having a preschooler crawl underneath the tunnel.), or interrupt me with demands for milk and breakfast while I attempted some push-ups.  So in the end, my morning seemed just as rushed as always.

However, I did thoroughly enjoyed my quiet peaceful morning run.  It was a great to start the day with uninterrupted thoughts and time just for me.  And it's true, by extending my day, it seemed longer, but in a good way.

Unfortunately, I fell out of my routine in late August when I got a cold and nutured myself by sleeping in to the ripe old hour of 6:30, or earlier depending on how early one child or another crawled into my bed.

Then, it was the first week of September, and I decided to figure out how the new morning routine was going to work before I resumed my early mornings.

And then, the earth shifted, and it started being dark.  It is awfully dark at 5:30 in the morning.  So, I hit the snooze button too many mornings in a row.

And now, I'm fighting bronchitis.  But, I do plan to get back into the habit.  Perhaps I'd better check out Robin Sharma's video on how to train myself to get up early...

How do you carve out time for yourself?  Does waking early make a difference to your day?  How do you motivate yourself to do it?

If I had a million dollars...

Everyone must 'imagine the freedom' sometimes and wonder how their lives could be different if they won the lottery.  I'm no different.

Although I don't buy tickets (Alright, I'll come clean and confess that I did buy one "Cash for Life" card last week.  In case it wasn't already obvious to you, I didn't win.  Big surprise.  And a waste of $4, I might add.  Plus I got all that silver-y rub-off crap stuck in my nails.), I have been dreaming lately about how a lottery win would help us out.   We could pay off the line of credit, buy a fancy new dryer, have the giant dead tree removed from our yard, put in flagstone patio and a privacy fence, fix the dents in the car, waterproof the basement...

But I've also been wondering, what would I do differently in my life if money wasn't an issue?

I've been reading several motivational blogs and books over the past few months.  Some of their concepts and key phrases are so inspirational!  But I can never really buy-in completely.  Maybe I'm too pragmatic, but I can never really figure out how to follow my dreams.  It seems too easy for real life to get in the way. 

However, if I were independently wealthy, I would definitely be able to really focus on following my dreams and passions, right? Then there would be no excuses. 

But wait a minute.  I've got a another problem:  I don't really know what my passions are.

My life has always just pretty much followed the standard course.  I am an average mom, after all.  I've never done anything drastic or adventurous.  I've never felt a burning desire to do anything, really.  There's lots of things I'm interested in, but I don't tend to get crazy-excited about anything. Maybe it's just my personality.  Maybe I'm expecting too much of a bonk-me-on-the-head or thunderbolt moment, or keep-me-up-at-night-can't-stop-thinking-about-this issue/project/activity feeling.  Or maybe, I just haven't found my passion yet.

However, if I didn't have to work, I would be able to indulge myself with some time to find it...  So what would I do, if money wasn't an issue? 

• I'd volunteer at the school nutrition programs. Maybe join the School Advisory Council. Go back to volunteering with a literacy program.
• Maybe I'd write some, or do some editing. Piece meal, freelance, no pressure.
• I'd get more involved with the local farmers' market and the local food movement.
• I'd take courses: communications, public speaking, documentary film making, horticulture, landscape design, urban planning... ?
• I'd do more yoga.
• Maybe I'd train for a marathon.
• I'd buy myself a fancy camera, study photography, take lots of beautiful photographs.
• I'd get engaged in local politics and activism. I'd try to make changes to issues like transit and development and child care and social equity. 
• And here's a contentious confession: I'd be selfish. I'd leave the girls in daycare. At least part-time. I could justify this by saying that I think they need more stimulation and ECE than I can provide them alone. But it's also at least partly true that I don't think I can handle them all day, everyday without losing my mind.

Maybe, if I could do all these things, I'd be able to find my passion.

Tell me, what is your passion, and how did you find it?

Parent Performance Assessment

Just like at many workplaces, our company requires all employees to complete an annual performance assessment with our supervisors.   It's a chance to review what's been accomplished, get feedback on things done well and things that could be done better.  It's also a great opportunity to discuss skills that need development and consider future career path directions.

Having just finished my mid-year review, I got to thinking about my job as a mom and wondering how I would be evaluated by my peers (other parents, child care givers), direct reports (children) and line managers (parents). 

Now, I certainly don't want to hear constant critique or unsolicited advice.  But I would welcome some ideas on how to better handle the sibling squabbles, the not-listening, the power struggles and the sassy talking back. 

And to be honest, just some kind of reassurance that others think I'm doing a decent job could really make me feel better, especially on those crazy, tough, kids-were-awake-at-five-thirty, never-stop-fighting, aren't-listening-to-me, toys-are-all-over-the-house days. 

Everyone benefits from positive recognition.  It's a known motivator.  A good workplace usually has some form of an employee recognition for this very reason.  So, aside from the mom-connections through parent groups, the twittersphere and the blog-world, a regular 'parent performance assessment' would be extremely beneficial for giving this kind of encouragement and support.

(It's very likely that future career path discussions won't become part of the 'parent performance assessment'... I'm pretty sure it's a job for life.)

Obviously, feedback from other parents, caregivers and our own family is the most probable form of meaningful commentary we could hope for.  Because, let's face it, aside from the spontaneous "I love you"'s, snugly hugs and creative artwork, valuable feedback from children isn't likely to come until it's too late.  How many of us only started to really appreciate all that our parents did for us once we became parents ourselves? 

Since I probably didn't give my parents enough positive praise while I was growing up, I try to acknowledge the sacrifices they made and the challenges they faced, at least whenever similar situations arise for me.  However, having raised 3 children themselves, when I ask my parents if they had the same problems, or how they handled it, they often "I can't remember." 

I guess it really will go by in a blur.  Someone recently told me that although raising young children is all encompassing right now, it really is only a drop in the bucket in the long run. 

And so, we do our best, strive to do better, and hope that it is enough.

Hiding behind my children

Although we usually think of kids cowering behind their parents' legs, I sometimes feel as though it is me who is hiding behind my children. 

It's not that I'm unbearably shy.  But I certainly don't have an outgoing and gregarious personality.   Just like little children hiding behind their parents, it takes me a while to warm up to others and become relaxed enough to be myself around them.  Social situations can be uncomfortable and stressful - I worry about whether I've visited with and chatted to everyone, or if I’ve come across as being unfriendly and austere, and I hope I don’t come across as clumsy or gauche. 

Sometimes, I worry that I am socially awkward.  But, in ways that are both good and bad, having young children provides a way to hide.

In social situations with my children present, I can use my children as an excuse to limit the amount of mingling, chatting and socialising I do.  Having 3 young daughters to care for requires a lot of attention, so it is all too easy to hide behind the requirements of motherhood as a reason for not being more sociable.  The messes to clean up, keeping them busy and entertained so they don’t get out of hand, getting food and drink, making trips to the bathroom, their demands for attention and a platform to speak… a friend of mine calls it ‘kid interruptitis’.  It all takes time and energy away from the efforts I should be making to visit and talk with the others around me. 

And although it is simple enough to shield myself from awkward social situations by using my children as an excuse, I know that I shouldn’t rely on it.  I need to overcome this defence mechanism or I may never develop the social graces and relationship skills that would be of great benefit to me, both personally and professionally.

My workplace recently hosted a family social event, which seemed like a great opportunity to bring everyone’s worlds of work and home together.  I was excited to introduce my family and show how much the kids had grown since I last brought them into the office during maternity leave, and I was really looking forward to meeting the family and children of my colleagues.  It also should have been a good opportunity for relationship building.  But once we were at the group lunch, it felt as though I didn’t really see or talk to anyone at all.  I think my husband and girls did more socialising than me.  We sat with some friends, but it seems like I spent more time getting food and drinks and napkins than actually visiting.   And as families arrived and departed, I was too tense about avoiding any antics or tantrums to stay and mingle with my co-workers.   I hid behind my children.  I missed the opportunity to get to know my friends’ partners or kids, and to nurture relationships with my colleagues.

So even though the busyness of my children can be a welcome distraction for me in social situations, I know that it's something I shouldn't rely on.  Much like we encourage our children to come out from behind their parent's legs, I too will work on developing my social side.  After all, the kids are going to grow up eventually, and then who will I hide behind?

A Borrowed Quote

"A loose end - that's what we women call it, when we are overwhelmed by the care of small children, the weight of small tasks, a life in which we fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted from being all things to all people."

Anna Quindlen, "Every Last One"

I've recently started reading again.  I hope to do more of it.  I can't handle anything too serious or too complicated, and I've started to give myself permission to cast aside any novel that I can't get into.  But I do enjoy getting lost in a good story.  I know it's a good one when I can stay awake to read more than a few pages before the words blur, I imagine new sentences, and the weight of my eyelids and the book itself cause the book to fall on the floor.

This is one I've just finished.  Beyond being a mother, the narrator's life doesn't parallel mine, but this was one of several phrases which resonated with me.  Long ago, when I had time for such things, I kept a journal of phrases and ideas from books I'd read that kindled something inside of me, gave me pause to think, made me laugh, or just really made sense.  

Now, I'd just be happy for the chance to read, and maybe join a book club...