Losing It

I hate it when it happens.  Luckily, it hasn't happened for a while.  But tonight, I lost it. 

I lost my temper.  

My anger had been building up all day.  But there was no good reason for it.


By bedtime, I was tense.  My nerves were frayed, and my non-listening, talking back, whining, make-a-big-deal-out-of-every-little-thing children were getting on every last one of them.
(Hind sight being 20/20 and all, I can appreciate now that they were feeling the same way.  It's a long day for kids too.  I should have just put them to bed.)

Right before turning out the lights for bedtime, (If only I could have held out a few minutes longer...) the unfortunate target for my outburst was my oldest daughter. But of course, all girls were scared by my yelling.

Quickly stepping back from my tirade, I snuggled with all the girls, and apologized for losing my temper.  I tried to explain that it was okay for me to feel angry, but even if I was tired and grumpy, I shouldn't have yelled.  That the way I behaved was wrong and not acceptable.  That even though I was angry and that I yelled, I love them more than anything in the world.

Here's how they reacted:

2.5 y.o. Daughter -  "When you're naughty, you have to go in cave with Spider-Man.  Then you can come out".  Big hug and kiss.

6 y.o. Daughter on hearing what youngest said - Laughed.  "Just try to be nicer next time".  Lots of big hugs and kisses.

4 y.o. Daughter - Fell asleep.

Assuming that we all lose our tempers from time to time, how do you talk about it with your kids?

Giving Thanks

Gratitude the feeling of appreciation within us.

Being thankful is expressing that gratitude to someone.

And thanksgiving is the celebration of everything that we have to be thankful for.

I recently started a Gratitude Journal, hoping that by capturing little things from everyday I can become more appreciative of my busy and challenging but wonderful life.

And today, although it got left until the last minute, I didn't want Thanksgiving to pass without using this space to give thanks to the important people in my life...

I'm grateful to my parents for their unconditional love and support, and for instilling in me the values of hard work and patience.  I'm thankful for the wonderful childhood they gave me, which was filled with so many opportunities to learn and grow.  I truly appreciate the responsibility and independence they taught me, and how they provided me with a model for how to raise my own family.  On a practical note, I'm also thankful for the fun family visits at the big house or cottage, how they get up early with the girls and let me sleep in, and the holidays for the girls when we need help with childcare.

So many thanks are needed for my sister.  I am grateful for all the times she drops by to visit, sometimes with croissants or other goodies, but always ready to jump in and offer us another set of hands.  I am so appreciative of all the times she sticks around until bedtime to help with bathtime and stories, how she occupies the girls with creative crafts and activities, takes them out for walks or library trips or knitting lessons, giving us a break or a chance to get some job done.  I love how she feels comfortable enough in our midst to intervene in sibling squabbles, tantrums, whining, and other episodes of poor behaviour.  Not to mention all the babysitting she has provided for us, offering us the chance to get out some evenings to reconnect as husband and wife, instead of mommy and daddy for awhile.  And the effort she makes to ensure I get out on my own with trips to the movies or shopping.  She helps us out so often and so much, that it is hard to say thank you enough.

For my in-laws, I have so many things to be thankful.  Foremost are the weekly visits which include child care pick-up, dinner, clean-up, dog-walking, and bath- and bedtime assistance.  Every week that they come, I am so grateful for the extra hands, and the extra free time in the evenings that I believe I am noticeably more relaxed, more likely to crack a bad joke, more likely to laugh and enjoy the craziness of dinner time.  And yet, since it happens with such regularity, I fear that my appreciation is not communicated as clearly as it should be.  But I am so grateful.  I am also thankful for their generous financial support, family vacations and the general looking after us that they continually provide.  They are always offering to help looking after the children when they're too sick for school or daycare or when gaps in childcare arise.  And of course, I am also thankful to them for the great job they did in raising their son.

To my husband, I am grateful for his love.   He looks after my mind and my spirit, he makes me laugh, he inspires me to dream, and he encourages me to look after and love myself.  (Although I'm sure he sometimes doubts this,) He keeps me sane. Plus, he bears an enormous responsibility in raising our family.  Women may often feel that they alone do everything for their family. But although I may sometimes feel that our loads are not equally balanced when it comes to chores and responsibilities, I know that I could not do it alone.   He does so much more to support me than can be calculated on a chore chart.  He is a wonderful father, sharing many good values like self-confidence, healthy living and following ones' dreams.  He is fair and stern, but fun and loving.  He lights up our home, and my life.

So, although my life can seem repetitive and challenging on a day-to-day basis, I am truly grateful for  those people in my life who make it not just easier, but also more rewarding and more fun.  I know I don't say it often enough, but thank you.  Thank you every day.

This photo is added with sarcasm.  Although it is totally counter

to the theme of my post, I couldn't resist.

Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat (An average day) - Revised

My first post to this blog was a description of my average day.  Things have changed a bit since then: we no longer have a nanny, the girls to daycare, I've been attempting to gain some control of my days by waking myself up before the girls do, and the girls have become a little more independent while I've become a little less controlling.  

Alas, my Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat needed a revision.

Alarm at 5:34 a.m. playing Christina Aguilera's Beautiful.  Hope that the song will boost my confidence and bolster me for the day before I even open my eyes.  Wonder if it might work subconsciously.  Turn the alarm off before she finishes singing the first phrase, and will myself out of bed.

Creep downstairs, trying to avoid the creaky spots.  Put on the kettle for tea and roll out the yoga mat.  Stretch out my back in an effort to keep it from going out on me again.  (Once I'm convinced that my back can handle it, return to a morning run a couple of times a week.)

Quietly suggest to the dog that it's time for a walk.  Hope that his yawny stretches, body shaking and ear flapping don't wake the children.   Curse the hinges for squeaking as we head out the door.

Try to relax and enjoy the walk instead of feeling frustrated at his numerous stops to sniff and pee.  Convince myself that this is a time for solitude and quiet reflection instead of another time-consuming chore.

Hope that the children are still in bed when we sneak back into the house.

Finish assembling breakfast necessities, packing snacks, water bottles, permission forms, lunch payments, swimwear, indoor shoes etc. into backpacks. Say good morning to the first little person to peek through the banisters on the stairs.

Sigh.

Give good morning hugs and kisses.

Finally drink some of the tea that I made in a travel mug when I first got up but forgot to take with me while walking the dog.

Brush and style daughters' hair with varying levels of resistance while they eat breakfast.  Silently hope that they don't ask for more toast.

Assist the littlest one and supervise the others with getting dressed, brushing teeth, making beds and putting away clothes. Shower quickly with at least one interruption from a daughter asking about something that daddy has already answered. Get dressed and brush teeth while asking children to put the markers away, get their shoes and backpacks and jackets on and/or stop fighting with one another.

Give 'have a good day' hugs and kisses to children and husband while helping to usher them out the door.

Get in car. Hope for an easy drive.  Listen to radio. Drive to office with a wandering mind. 

Arrive at work. Make more tea and breakfast for self. Work. If workload and timing of office arrival versus time of necessary departure from office permit, dash out at mid-day to quickly run errands or buy groceries. Leave office by 4:40 p.m. in an attempt to beat the worst of the traffic. Hope for an easy drive.  Get home, park the car, walk over to the school to pick up the girls. 

Attempt conversation with my daughters about their days while wrangling them away from the playground.  Coerce them to walk nicely together.  Persuade the littlest that her feet don't hurt and that she isn't too tired to walk the short distance home.  Attempt to discourage children from picking up any more rocks/sticks/leaves/berries.  Inevitably, carry the littlest girl. 

Enter the house.  Say 'yes, you may watch Wild Kratts' while trying to sound reluctant but actually ecstatic for the 30 minutes of (hopefully) relative peace during which I can put away backpacks and shoes, tidy up the kitchen from breakfast, prepare dinner, and possibly sweep the toast crumbs and pet hair off the floor. Feed dog.

Intervene in one or more sibbling squabbles.  Give praise and encouragement for the pictures coloured by at least one daughter who has lost interest in the Wild Kratts and come to the table instead.

Eat dinner. Listen to stories from children, encourage children to eat their meals, ask children to sit properly, clean up spilled milk, and attempt mature conversation with husband.

Bedtime routine.  May or may not involve a bath, depending on day of the week, how dirty they are or what sticky things they have put in their hair. Assist children with getting dressed into pyjamas, brushing teeth, and putting away clothes. Read stories. Sing songs.

Sigh.

Tidy up kitchen. Put away any toys, markers or craft materials left lying around. Move laundry from washer into dryer. Put a load of laundry in the wash. Walk the dog.  Sign permission forms, reading lists and cheques for school programs.

If time and energy permits, attend a yoga class, try to do a self-chosen activity, converse with my husband or watch television while folding laundry.  
Prepare snacks for school.  Organise lunch for tomorrow.

Put laundry into the dryer, and put another load in the wash.

(Ideally, but often left for another day) Put away clothes. Climb into bed. Hope that none of my children pee in their bed tonight. Collapse into sleep.

Repeat.