It takes a sick day

Let me begin by clarifying that I really am sick: congested, coughing, phlegmy, sneezing, tired, head-achy, sick.  And I was napping, but a jackhammer outside my window rudely woke me up, and I'm afraid  to lie down again until I know for sure that he's finished.  A jackhammer and a congested, aching, tired head are not good company.

So, in addition to responding to a handful of emails for work, totally ignoring the mess of toys in my basement and dirty dishes in the kitchen, and watching some daytime talk shows for the first times in years (Maury is still on the air - really?), I thought maybe I could pay some attention to my ignored-for-far-too-long-blog.

I used to hate it when people gave the excuse of being 'so busy' for not calling or keeping in touch.  Or that there's 'never enough time' for getting something done.  Isn't there some expression about making the time to do the things that are really important to you?  

But now I'm making the same excuses.  Cliche?  Yes.  But seemingly true.

Even on some kids-free vacation days last week, I wasn't able to get around to some of the projects I had hoped to.  My list of things to do was just too long, and everything always takes longer than I think it should.  Even without kids in tow.

I started a Never-Gets-Done List a while back.  But I haven't even been able to keep it up-to-date.  Amazingly, after 2 years, I am starting to make progress on some of the items on the list.  But there are also many more things I could add as things I can never seem to find time for.   

Like taking the kids for bike rides more often so my eldest can get more comfortable riding without her training wheels.   

Making more trips to the beach, which is just a twenty minute walk away, and yet, we only made one trip this summer. 

Weeding and pruning my untended garden, something that I actually enjoy doing.

Getting out for some runs and exercise.  Note to self: start my up-early in the morning routine again as soon as I am healthy.

Visiting more of the beautiful places and campgrounds in our province.  When driving home from our one camping trip this summer, I was inspired by the pictures and descriptions of other park grounds in the Ontario Parks brochure and started to think about how we could manage to travel to more of our province and country in the years to come.

Taking my kids to the library, and just spending more time encouraging and practicing their reading.

As I'm reading over this list now, I am noting how different these activities are from the to-do items from before.  Much more about taking time for myself and spending time with my family, instead of getting things done.

Is this progress on my part?  I hope so.  Maybe I'm finally learning to let the to-do items slide and focus more on the things that are truly important to me.  I guess the next step is make the time to do them.

Management Tips

Do at least one load of laundry every day.  And try to fold and put away the clothing right away. 

Laundry, like most things in life, it is extremely manageable in small amounts, but seemingly insurmountable and totally overwhelming when the piles are allowed to accumulate.

Accept mess. 

Things will not get put away.  Your house will get messy.  Acknowledge that your standards have been lowered, whether by choice or by default. Learn to associate an untidy home with a busy and happy home.  And know that it can always get tidied when the need arises.

Plan the meals for your family, even lunches, and grocery shop accordingly. 

Having a sense of what you will be making for dinner and knowing that the right food is available is incredibly comforting as you race home during rush hour and pick up your whiny, not-listening, difficult yet wonderful and beautiful children from daycare. Then, once home, you can almost sort of relax with a glass of wine as you prepare the meal while your children watch some television. But allow yourself to totally ditch your plans and substitute with Mickey D's or order in pizza on those nights when you just don't feel up to the task. Still drink the wine.

Allow your children to watch some television. 

Not a lot. But enough to give you a break when you need it, get some extra quiet time on weekend mornings, and permit a little unwinding for everyone after a long day.

Accept help. 

Whether it is your in-laws coming down once a week to pick the children up from daycare and prepare dinner, your sister coming over to babysit on a date night with your husband, or your neighbours offering to coordinate the arborists' estimates for removing the dead tree on your shared property line, graciously accept the assistance and support of others. Also remember to show your appreciation by bestowing much love and thanks although it may never seem to be enough, treating your babysitter to a special dinner, or raking up the leaves from the large still-living trees on our shared property line.

Remember this quote:  "You will never 'find' time for anything.  If you want time, you must make it."  - Charles Buxton

Try not to use a lack of time as an excuse for not doing the things that are important to you. But don't feel guilty thinking that if it is really important, you'd make time to do it. It's hard to do it all.

Wake up before the kids do.

Waking up early is hard.  Although it can be difficult to get out of bed and get going before 6 a.m., things like: walking the dog, making sure bags are packed and breakfast is on the table, really are a lot easier before little children start making demands for your help and attention. And if necessary, stay in bed until the first one wakes up at 6:30, but take her with you to walk the dog.

Practise yoga. 

It really can be calming and help to centre your focus for a while on yourself. Plus it can give you an excuse out of the bedtime routine at least once a week if you choose your class schedule appropriately.

Visit the lost-and-found on a regular basis.
If you want any chance of recovering the items lost almost daily, it's wise to keep on top of it. Kind of like the laundry.

Use vacation time wisely.
Sometimes, if possible, it might just be a good investment to take a vacation day or two in order to 'get on top of things' again around the house. Wash the windows. Change over the children's seasonal wardrobes. Fix the drywall that the dog has been chewing. Those things that might otherwise never get done. But try also to allow time at least for a pedicure. Or a nap.

Remember that lots of other people are in the same boat.
It can be hard to remember that many of the people at your work, on your commute, in your day-to-day life, are also working parents. Chances are pretty good that even the CEO, the person selling you your coffee and the teachers at the school have also been struggling with disrupted sleep, lost backpacks, and behavioural issues with their children. Or at least been through it in the past.  It's somewhat comforting to know that we are all managing somehow.

Extracurricular Activity Guilt

I know... cute, right?

That was me, age 5, in costume for my first tap routine, "At the Codfish Ball", at my first dance recital. 

That was just the beginning.

Within the next two years, I was taking even more classes, and entering dance competitions and I continued dancing all the way through high school. 

I also remember swimming lessons, soccer and even theatre classes for a while.

Fast forward to today, and the extracurricular activities of my children.

My oldest is 6 and half.  The middle daughter is almost five.

They've been in swimming lessons, and a smattering of ballet classes and sports programs through the city's parks and recreation department.  And last fall, in our first attempt to commit to a more structured extracurricular activity, they took a weekly class at a local gymnastics club.

It was a weeknight class. From 6 to 7 o'clock for Kindergym.  And 7 to 8 o'clock for the older kids' recreational class.  The program lasted about ten weeks, and it nearly killed me.  Rushing home from work to pick them up from daycare, driving them to the gym, eating a packed dinner to eat before class, during class, or after class, waiting for my husband to arrive at the gym on his way home from work, him driving the younger two home once Kindergym had finished, me sticking aroung until 8 o'clock, taking transit home and ushering the oldest to bed.

We decided that weeknight classes are not worth the stress. 

But weekends are precious.  Do we really want to schedule more than one activity per weekend?  Potentially multiplied by three.

With two full-time jobs plus commuting times, and our desire for priority on family dinners and down-time, will we ever be able to commit to the time and schedules of extracurricular activities for our children?

It's not that I want my girls to follow in my footsteps.  And let me be clear: I do not want to be a dance mom.

But I worry that I'm not giving my daughters the opportunities they deserve to find a passion.  Or at least an extracurricular activity to pursue.

I know.  They're pretty young.  And I know this sounds crazy.  But I don't want to be responsible for denying them the chance to get good at something.  I think of talented musicians, elite level athletes, and skilled artists. It kind of goes with the idea that it takes 10,000 hours to achieve mastery. 

My daughter is coming up to 7.  If she doesn't start at something soon, how will she ever get good at anything?

How do you decide what activities for your children to pursue?  And how on earth, do you manage to fit it all into your busy schedules and life?

On why the option to work-from-home is so important

I'm sure you've heard about the recent decision by Yahoo! to ban telecommuting.  There has, of course, been much discussion among working moms about this latest decision of Yahoo CEO and new mom, Marissa Mayer. I particularly like this post at Working Moms Break, one of my favourite working mom blogs. 

I also really enjoyed listening to this fascinating radio segment from CBC's The Current, which addressed the question "Is there a future for working from home?"

Although part of me can appreciate the rationale behind Yahoo's decision to put an end to their working from home policy, mostly,  I can't even believe that it is a question that needs to be debated. 

I don't work from home on a routine basis, but I believe that for jobs where it is possible and makes sense, having the option and flexibility available to work from home is important to all employees, with children or not.  And that it is incredibly important to parents, maybe even to moms in particular. 

I've written about the wonders of working from home before.  But working from home isn't just about having a day every so often to catch up on laundry in between focused, uninterrupted writing and editing sessions, or doing the dusting while on a teleconference. 

It's more than just a wonderful opportunity to gain some ground in the struggle for work-life balance.

Some parents consider the option to work from home as a necessity.  A friend and former colleague and fellow mom to young kids, recently told me about her difficult decision to turn down a job offer because the position did not include the option to work from home:

"I truly struggled with this decision and feel (the need for) work from home is going to ruin my career possibilities... Until I look at the kids... I also felt weak.  I should be able to have it all.  But I just can't.  I love being home for the kids and having flexibility when they are sick."

 

Being given the option to work from home when needed empowers the employee.  It reduces the stress of worrying about caring for a sick child, following daycare and school protocols for keeping kids home with a fever or lice, or scheduling appointments with teachers or physicians during the school day. 

By having the ability to work from home when we really need to, employers are validating that employees are more than just automatons pushing for a bottom line.  That they recognise that there is more to our lives than work.  And that makes employees feel more committed to their employers. 

I mean, how could I work positively or passionately, even, for an employer who didn't value me as a whole person? 

We have the technology.  It doesn't make sense to me to not let us use it.

Kale, a crock-pot and a ukulele

Week one of my challenge and I’d say I faired pretty well. Three for three, actually.

The kale is the challenge to which I feel most accountable. We’ve been getting a bunch of kale each week from our local winter farmer’s market, and knowing that I’ll be getting another bunch each Sunday challenges me to use it up by the end of the week.

 

 On Tuesday, I simply sautéed some kale with mushrooms. It was alright. But nothing special. I know, I know… it’s kale. How exciting can it get? We’re eating it for its nutritional benefits, not its taste.

On the recommendation of another market volunteer, I used up the rest of this week’s ration but chopping it thinly and adding it to our chili con carne. I was also inspired to add some thinly sliced radishes which worked well, but next time I’ll skip the thinly sliced parsnip. As for the kale, it was picked out by the girls, but enjoyed by me.  My husband was a little less convinced and suggested blanching it first.  Maybe.

Using the slow cooker is an amazing dinnertime saviour during the work week. All day long, I pat myself on the back, knowing that dinner is preparing itself at home while I am at the office. I’ve received a few new slow cooker cook books lately, and since my husband professes that all crock-pot meals taste the same, I’ve been both limited to using the crock-pot more than once a week, and challenged to find some good recipes.

This week I chose Chicken with Baby Portobello Stroganoff:

Of course, I adapted the recipe.  I rarely follow a recipe exactly.  I used normal mushrooms instead of portobellos. Chopped fresh onion instead of frozen pearl onions.  And since I couldn’t find cream of onion soup, I used cream of mushroom. Plus, I only had half as many chicken thighs as the recipe required.

But it turned out fine. Tasted decent. Definitely acceptable for a weeknight crock-pot meal. Although, as far as crock-pot meals go, I prefer the ones that require little, if any, last minute preparations before eating. For this recipe, I had to cook the egg noodles, of course, but it also required about 20 minutes of thickening with the flour and butter mixture, and then with the sour cream.

However, the girls mostly ate it. There was some mushroom- and onion-picking out, needless to say.  I ate everything.

Finally.  I did it! I played and practised my ukulele at least twice this week. And it reminded me how much I enjoy it. Enough to make me want to do it more.

And maybe learn some new chords.  I think I'm ready to graduate from "Skip to my Lou" and "You are my sunshine".  

Suggestions for kale and crock pot recipes and ukulele songs welcome.

A letter to Mr. Claus

I haven't sent a letter to the North Pole on my own behalf for many years.   I try not to ask for too many things for myself, and I don't really like having too much "stuff".  Like most moms, I focus most often on the needs and wants of my family with minimal attention to myself.  But for once, I'm going to be selfish, and prepare a list of some of the things that I really want for Christmas.

I'd like to not look and feel so old, tired, dishevelled and frumpy.  To accomplish this, I suppose I'd need some sort of makeover: hair cut and colour to do something about all those grey hairs that keep appearing on my head; a facial treatment of some kind to reduce the wrinkles that have found their way onto my face; and maybe a new wardrobe to make me look and feel like a 'celebrity mom'.

I'd also like some willpower.  Maybe with some of this magical strength, I'd be able to stop eating all the chocolate and junk which is cumulatively adding on pound after pound year after year.  Oh, and some self-discipline so I could commit to an exercise program to make me fit and trim.  This would also help with the frumpiness.

I still can't really justify spending money on a cleaning service.  It seems like a waste of  money to pay someone else to do something that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself, if only I had the time.   But since there are never enough hours in the day, it might be time to admit that I can't remember the last time I dusted, there are stains on our carpets that our older than our youngest child, and my oven has needed to be cleaned since Father's Day 2011.  So, if I'm really well behaved between now and December 24th, could I please borrow some of your elves during the off season for a regular house cleaning routine?

More hours in the day would also be a great Christmas gift.   Or the ability to function, without being grumpy, irritable and too easily frustrated by young children, on much less sleep.  You are magical, aren't you Santa?

I know you're busy, Santa.  But if you could help me out somehow, in some way, I'll promise not to break any more rules next year.

Merry Christmas!
Average Working Mom

My Christmas Card Strategy

Over the past few years, I have developed a strategy for writing and sending Christmas cards.  It's a carefully devised plan to make efficient use of time by streamlining who gets a card, who gets a photo and who gets a personalised note, and who gets a more elaborate letter.

Here it is.

1. Make sure I have an ample supply of cards left over from at least two Christmases ago so I can avoid sending the same card to somebody two years in a row. 
2. Arrange to have one of our family or at least children pictures developed into small, wallet-sized photos.   I personally never really know what to do with the photos of my friends' children, so I figure, as long as the photo is small, people can feel less guilty about tossing it or "accidentally" recycling it.  And if they do decide to keep it, at least it doesn't take up too much room.
3. Begin working alphabetically through my old-fashioned address book that I've had since high school.  If I don't have a mailing address or I won't be seeing someone in person, they won't be getting a card.
4. Try to be sensitive about the nature of the greeting and image on the card so that I avoid sending "Merry Christmas" to friends who are Jewish, or overtly religious cards to those who are agnostic.
5. Cards will not be written for those I haven't seen or heard from in a personal way in the past three years. 
6. Facebook-only friends with no other personal interaction do not routinely qualify for a Christmas card.
7. If I have regular, personal (email communication included) interaction with someone, they will get a card and a photo (unless it is a business relationship), with a personalised greeting. 
8. Extended family, even - maybe especially - if I don't see them very often, will always get a card and a family photo.  But if I feel that they receive regular updates on my life from my parents or siblings, I may omit the personal note.
9. Good friends will receive a card and photo and a personal note, unless I will be seeing them over the holidays, in which case the personal note may be omitted.
10. For friends on Facebook, whom I assume are relatively current on my life from somewhat regular status updates and photos, the personal note may be omitted.
11. For special relatives and old friends, with whom I only really keep in touch at Christmas, the personalised note may become a more detailed summary of my year. 
12. The personal note, is exactly that - personal.  I do not write "Christmas letters".   It is because I short- list the cards which include more detailed notes and letters that I am able to keep my cards personal.
13. Have Christmas cards sent by December 20th.   If I can't meet this deadline, chances are I won't send them at all.  Like last year.  Although I think it's a great idea, I'm not sure how many others would appreciate a New Year's card.  And besides, if we're being honest, any motivation for writing cards has pretty much disappeared after the 25th.

This year, I didn't get started on my cards until this weekend.  But fortunately, by sticking to my strategy, I plan to have them all in the mail by tomorrow night!

The Wonders of Working from Home

Today was a good day.  I got to work from home.  Here's what I was able to accomplish:

• Instead of the 45-plus minute communte, I managed to squeeze in a run.

• On a little break this morning, I tidied up the kitchen, washed some dishes and put the breakfast stuff away.

• During lunch hour, I made some banana bread and pastry for the quiche for dinner.

• On an afternoon break, I changed the sheets on all the beds.

• Instead of fighting traffic on the way home from work, I just walked to the kitchen and made the quiche.

With dinner already made, the stress of rushing home to make dinner was gone. So when picking up the girls from school, instead of gritting my teeth, taking numerous deep breaths and getting angry when they didn't listen, I heard about their days, listened to what they wanted to say and enjoyed their company. 

We ate dinner by 6:30 and had plenty of time to practice reading, read stories, play lego and tidy up the dinner dishes before beginning the bathtime-bedtime routine.

Everything just seemed easier today.

Early Bird

Many life coaches and motivational speakers suggest that waking up early is the best way to start your day.  It's your chance to make time for yourself and own your day. 

I think we all know it, intuitively. And there's that expression about the early birds and the worms. So it must be true, right?

It's about more than catching worms though.  I first really came across the idea reading The Leader Who Had No Title, by Robin Sharma.  He, along with other inspiration leaders, suggest that waking up early each day can be the key to your success because it allows you to own your day, and devote your best energy to yourself.  Robin Sharma even demands that we should wake up at 5 am (!) in order to spend time in personal development: reconnecting with our values, renewing, regenerating and regrounding ourselves.  Life coaches acknowledge that its not easy, but stress that the discipline it takes to get up so early will permeate into other areas of your life.  They also suggest that to get yourself in the habit of waking up early you'll need to go to bed earlier, plan on an activity that you'll enjoy, and write out your worries so you can sleep better and awake refreshed.

Now, I always take motivational speakers with a grain of salt, but I love the idea of having some quiet time to myself before anyone is awake.  Before anyone is demanding milk, and toast, and opening the fridge grabbing random foods.  And so, I've been working on making it a habit. 

For a while in the summer, I got onto a really good roll.  The alarm was set for 5:36 am so that I could sneak out the door before, and without any of the children waking up.  (My wake-up time had already been pushed back by 10 minutes after my youngest kept waking up before I got out the door.  Then I even oiled the hinges on the bathroom and front doors, and figured out that changing into my running clothes downstairs and putting on my runners outside increased my chances of making my getaway.)

And I had some great early morning runs along the boardwalk.  Or on some mornings, I practiced some yoga.  The time to myself was wonderful.  It was so quiet.  And I could think clearly for myself.  Not to mention how virtuous I felt for getting exercise before I had even really started my day.   

My strategy included going to bed by 10:30, even if it meant leaving the lunch-making and tidying up until the morning.  After all, with an early start, I still had a bit of time in the morning to finish up some loose ends. 

Or did I?  At least one of the girls (usually the youngest) was almost always awake by the time I got back from my run, sometimes having snuggled with Daddy until she heard me unlocking the door.  Then the girls would 'help' me with my stretches and ab work out (Tip: plank can be made more challenging by adding a 35 lb daugther to your back, or by having a preschooler crawl underneath the tunnel.), or interrupt me with demands for milk and breakfast while I attempted some push-ups.  So in the end, my morning seemed just as rushed as always.

However, I did thoroughly enjoyed my quiet peaceful morning run.  It was a great to start the day with uninterrupted thoughts and time just for me.  And it's true, by extending my day, it seemed longer, but in a good way.

Unfortunately, I fell out of my routine in late August when I got a cold and nutured myself by sleeping in to the ripe old hour of 6:30, or earlier depending on how early one child or another crawled into my bed.

Then, it was the first week of September, and I decided to figure out how the new morning routine was going to work before I resumed my early mornings.

And then, the earth shifted, and it started being dark.  It is awfully dark at 5:30 in the morning.  So, I hit the snooze button too many mornings in a row.

And now, I'm fighting bronchitis.  But, I do plan to get back into the habit.  Perhaps I'd better check out Robin Sharma's video on how to train myself to get up early...

How do you carve out time for yourself?  Does waking early make a difference to your day?  How do you motivate yourself to do it?

Á manger comme les Français (To eat like the French)

As you've probably heard, today would have been Julia Child's 100th birthday. I'll be honest, I don't know much about Julia Child beyond what I learned watching Julie & Julia. But since she is credited with bringing French cooking to average families, I thought today I would write about bringing French eating to my average family.

A couple of months ago, my mom showed me a newspaper clipping about a book called “French Kids Eat Everything” by Karen Le Billon. I was mostly intrigued by the ideas that even toddlers don’t need to be snacking between meals and that families really can get through a meal without bribes or power-struggles. So, after returning home, I went to borrow the book from the library.

(It turns out, it’s a popular book. I had to wait almost a month for a copy to come available. And because there were so many holds on it, I couldn’t renew it, so I had to read fast to finish it before it was due. That part wasn’t hard though.)

It’s a great book. In fact, I’m considering purchasing my own copy.

So, what’s the book about? After moving to her husband’s hometown in Northern France, a mom of 2 young girls learns and eventually embraces the “‘food rules’ that help the French foster healthy eating habits and good manners”. Although the book is mostly about a ‘family food revolution’, it also got me thinking about how my role as a parent is more than just raising happy, healthy kids, but also about challenging them so they can become happy, healthy, and thoughtful adults.

In addition to the 10 Food Rules which the author devised for her family, some of the messages that really resonated for me were the following.

“It’s okay to be hungry between meals.”  
This might be life-changing. Really. I’ve always relied on the tactic of feeding my children snacks (albeit usually healthy ones), in order to avoid the inconvenience of an ill-timed tantrum, or the nuisance of nagging, needy whining, or the frustration of attention-seeking mischief-making. After all, they say that hunger can be a trigger for misbehaviour, right? And the quiet that comes when they’re all sitting at the table having a snack can be a sanity saver. Apparently, however, kids can learn to behave properly even when they’re hungry. And being hungry just means they’ll eat more of their next meal. Incredible concept. And not that hard to implement, either. I’m amazed.  I’m applying it to my life too. Along with:

Eat a bigger lunch and you won't need to snack.;
The stomach is a muscle, and must be allowed time to rest.; and
The French don’t eat in their cars, at their desks, in children’s strollers, or on the run.
The personal weigh management tactics I’ve (not very successfully) employed over the years have included eating small meals every 2-3 hours. That might work if you’re eating carrots all day, but it’s certainly not satisfying. If I were to eat just three decent nourishing meals, with maybe a healthy afternoon snack, I’d probably consume just as many calories as smaller meals more often. I’m trying. It helps to internalise the French attitude towards snacking in general: it just isn’t done.

I mean, just think of it. If I could really embrace the no snacking rule, it would abolish absent-minded noshing on sweets and treats while driving and working, and late night ‘rewards’ for surviving the day. Snacking could be a thing of my past. Maybe I could finally get a sensible handle on enjoying treats when appropriate. Maybe I could finally put an end to the year after year weight gain…

(I also want to read “French Women Don’t Get Fat”. I’ll let you know how it turns out.)

Desserts, sweets and treats are acceptable. Just not all the time, and not in large quantities. If you eat them less often, you might just enjoy them more!
I like the idea of adopting the lunch menu criteria set out by the education ministry in France. It’s guidelines are pretty specific, not just about how often fish must be served, or the ratio of raw to cooked vegetables during the week, but also that sweet desserts must be served only once or twice per week. There’s still dessert on the other days, but dessert also includes yogurt and fruit. Dessert doesn’t need to mean cake, chocolate and ice cream. We can totally do that. I mean a treat is supposed to be special, right? So, if we eat it on a regular basis, how special is it, really?

Teaching your children healthy eating habits and good manners is as important as your teaching your children to read, and more important than over-participating in extracurricular activities. 
I sometimes worry about when the kids are bigger and we’ll be super-scheduled with dance classes, gymnastic meets, soccer practice, and swimming lessons. (x3!) Since this seems to be the North American norm, it’s no wonder that families don’t eat dinner together, or when they do, they’re wolfing down fast food in the car. As Karen Le Billon points out, traditionally, the French would never consider sacrificing the family dinner for recreational activities. It’s more important to impart the lessons of what to eat, how to eat properly, and how to socialise at mealtimes.

We should value our food, so it’s okay if it costs more.
After all, our bodies should be nourished with healthy, wholesome food. Granted, we all like (and often need) to save money, but we should appreciate our health enough to choose healthy, real food over processed food products, even if it is more expensive.

Child care centres and schools should also be involved in food education. 
If you accept that food education is as important as any other education, it makes sense to me that it should be taught in schools.  And not just in theory, but in practice. Thankfully, our child care centre has a wonderful food provider, and the school has a breakfast and hot-lunch program. I was appalled to read about some schools who allow children just 10 minutes for eating lunch! My oldest hasn’t even started in the lunch program at school yet, and already I’m ready to launch into action if she isn’t given the chance to sit down and properly eat her meal.

“Children are grown-ups in training.”
I’m not sure why this one hit-home for me so much. I must have recognised it at some level, but reading it in such simple language really emphasised for me that my role as a parent is not just about dressing, feeding, bathing and disciplining. Maybe it’s because my children are starting to be little humans and not so much dependent-babes. But in reading this, I consciously recognised that my role as a parent is most importantly to help my children become healthy, happy, responsible adults. It kind of helps give perspective too.

So, although eating like the French is about more than just baguettes, croissants, fancy cheese, chocolate and wine, that’s okay. Our family is going to be happier and healthier for it!

Survival

Long ago, before children, I remember asking a coworker, a mother of 5 year old twins, "what are your plans for the weekend?" "Just surviving" was her response, which at the time, I thought was kind of odd.

Now, I totally understand.

The other day, my 5 year old said to me "I love weekends". (Actually, she was practicing her French, so she said "j'aime le weekend.") Of course, everyone loves the weekend, the break from routine, the freedoms of an unplanned day, but for children, weekends are extra special because of all the extra time they get to spend with mom and dad. For mom and dad, however, this means sacrificing the break from routine or any freedoms of an unplanned day. The kids still need a routine, or else it seems that they are even more unmanageable than ever!

And so, we give up on the idea of sleeping in, since kids, although they understand about weekends, just don't comprehend the beauty of sleeping past 6 a.m.! And any ideas of lounging around and simply relaxing or "doing nothing" are quickly squashed by whines of boredom, cries for attention, or squabbles demanding intervention. And I am starting to learn the hard lesson that although I may think that weekends are a good time to get projects done around the house, with 3 young children, this is next to impossible.

This weekend, in particular, was a difficult one. Maybe because the past week was one of new routines and hubby away on business. But we were all tired, which meant more-than-normal misbehavior, short tempers, irritability, and probably overly strong reactions to normal child misbehavior. By late afternoon, we were counting down to bedtime.

It was one of those weekends that I'm grateful for ending. I'm glad it's Sunday night, and looking forward to returning to our weekly routine in the morning. It sounds terrible, and I feel guilty for saying it, but sometimes, the work week is easier and more enjoyable than the weekends.

Now that the kids are asleep, I've done my crazy Sunday Night tidy-up and I'm ready for bed myself, I can look back and remember the fun things about our weekend, and hope for a better outlook tomorrow.

And prepare to survive another week...

Having it all

As I've mentioned before, I really am just an average working mom.  At least, I am an average employee:  I’m not in management.  I do a decent job.  I'm not terribly important.  For the most part, I’m OK with this.  But sometimes, I get into a bit of funk: 

I struggle with my professional purpose - I question my value as an employee versus my value as a mom.   I get discouraged with the day-in, day-out, and I wonder why I am fighting so hard, (or perhaps not fighting hard enough) to get to work each day, and to make my work worthwhile, while at the same time sacrificing a more present role in the day-to-day life of my children to a nanny with whom I not entirely pleased.  Would they be so sassy and emotional and cunning if it were me looking after them every day?  If I’m not making a significant impact to the world in a professional sense, perhaps my efforts and energies would be best focused on my children?  But could really be happy and satisfied looking after my three little munchkins all day, day after day…?

This past week, I was in such a funk.  While I’m sure that several successive hot, humid days, hot, restless nights and resultant crappy sleeps were significant contributing factors to my discouraged state, knowing the cause isn’t necessarily enough to alleviate the problem.

But, when I read "Why Women Still Can't Have It All", written by Anne-Marie Slaughter for the Atlantic, on the evening of a humidity releasing storm, my funk and the heat wave resolved almost simultaneously. 

Here's what I read in Anne-Marie Slaughter's article which made me feel better:

“Many of these women are not worried about having it all, but rather about holding on to what they do have.”

I don’t fit into Slaughter’s demographic of the “highly educated, well-off women who are privileged enough to have choices in the first place”.  I suppose it's possible that I could have aspired to be, but I never chose to pursue a graduate degree or a high-end profession that could have led me to a ‘leadership rank’, even before I started a family.  I’m not that driven, and I don’t think I want to be.  It’s not that I’m not worried about having it all, but I think I decided that I don’t really want it all anyway, even before I had children.

“To be sure, the women who make it to the top are highly committed to their profession.  On closer examination, however, it turns out that most of them have something else in common: they are genuine superwomen... These women cannot possibly be the standard against which even very talented professional women should measure themselves.  Such a standard sets up most women for a sense of failure.”

See.  I was right.  Those highly successful, government officials or leadership types really are exceptional people.  

“In Midlife Crisis at 30, Mary Matalin recalls her days working as President Bush’s assistant and Vice President Cheney’s counselor: … ‘I finally asked myself, “Who needs me more?" And that’s when I realized, it’s somebody else’s turn to do this job. I’m indispensable to my kids, but I’m not close to indispensable to the White House.’”

This really helps put things into perspective for me.  Not that I’m about to quit my job anytime soon, but when I’m having a frustrating time with work, it really does help to remember that to my kids, I am the most important thing in the world.

“Cheryl Mills, Hillary Clinton’s indefatigable chief of staff, has twins in elementary school; even with a fully engaged husband, she famously gets up at four every morning to check and send e-mails before her kids wake up.”

OK.  So maybe I can try harder to get out of bed earlier.  Maybe not at 4 a.m., and not for doing e-mail, but I’m sure I could adjust to an earlier start in the morning in order to fit in some reading or exercise… something that could help me feel as though I have more control over my day.

“Women who have children in their late 20s can expect to immerse themselves completely in their careers in their late 40s, with plenty of time still to rise to the top in their late 50s and early 60s.”

This really took the pressure off for me.  The idea that I still have almost 10 years to balance the care of a young family with my job before I will really be able to more thoroughly devote myself to a career.  Phew.  I never thought too much about how much time I still have for my career development.   In the next 10 years, I may even have time to get another degree or maybe change my path completely.  It was reassuring to know that there is still lots of time to figure it all out.

“One of the most complicated and surprising parts of my journey out of Washington was coming to grips with what I really wanted.”

Since I don’t think I really know yet what it is that I want, I should really stop stressing about it so much.  I guess I should be grateful for the family-work life balance that I have, enjoy the ride, and make the best of situation I have right now, in order to try to figure out what it is that I want anyway.

“It’s all fine and well for a tenured professor to write about flexible working hours, investment intervals, and family-comes-first management.  But what about the real world?  Most American women cannot demand these things, particularly in a bad economy, and their employers will have little incentive to grant them voluntarily.”

Wait.  I do have flex-hours, and a very family-friendly employer.  I am lucky to have the job that I have.  I really shouldn’t stress about these things.  I am fortunate and grateful.

Maybe I don't have it 'all', but for now, I think I have just enough.

Conversations, Interrupted

My kids have discovered Knock Knock jokes, but they don't yet quite understand how they work, or what makes a punchline funny.  We've been trying to give them some examples to improve their repertoire, and one of my favourites that my sister taught them goes like this:

• Knock, knock.
• Who's there?
• Interrupting sheep.
• Interrupting sheep w-
• BAA!

Although the busyness of my children can sometimes be a welcome distraction for me when I find some social situations too awkward, it can also be an unwelcome inconvenience.  In times when I would really appreciate the chance to sit and chat, kid interruptitis often gets in the way of meaningful interactions with family and friends.

At family gatherings, I feel as though I rarely sit and really talk with my relatives.  There is always a mess to tidy or a disaster to prevent, or sometimes I seize the chance for a break while my family handles the brood.  And so, engaging in conversation with my aunts, uncles, in-laws etc seldom occurs.  And I see them so rarely to begin with.  It upsets me that I don’t know my family and extended family better; that I know little more about them than I hear from second-hand conversations with parents and siblings. 

When we gather with friends, it seems the chance to actually converse beyond the “how-are-things?” starter seldom surfaces.  Conversations get sidelined when there’s a potty emergency, or a sibling argument to contend with.  It can be exhausting to maintain any meaningful discussions, and easier to discuss bedtime routines and 6-year-old girl birthday party ideas.  I miss really talking with my friends, and finding out how things truly are.  And when everyone is so busy that get-togethers happen too infrequently to begin with, I hope that the lack of quality grown-up time together doesn't affect our relationships over time.

Yes, it's hard to feel satisfied after a family or friend visit with the kids.  How can parents really be present in these situations?  While there might be some guilt associated with not giving our full attention to the other adults, it is at least reassuring to know that most of us are in the same boat.   As long as we keep making the effort for the next couple of years, I'm hopeful that once the kids are a bit bigger and a little less demanding of our attention, we'll be able to continue our conversations, uninterrupted.

To Nap or Not to Nap

That is the question. 

I really love napping.  It is a great escape that allows me to recharge.  It’s not just that I need a break; I really believe in the importance of a siesta. True, sometimes my naps last as long as 2 hours, depending on how long the children are asleep, but I don’t feel guilty.  I justify the duration of my nap by acknowledging that my body must really have needed the rest, right?  Besides, a good nap is so important to my state of mind.  One of my mantras is everything is easier with patience. (Yes, even squabbling children, sassy mouths and tantrums.) And patience is severely limited by exhaustion. 

So, since weekday naps are not looked upon fondly at the office, weekend naptime is sacred.  Even big sister who has outgrown napping gets some quiet time (also known as TV) so that mom and dad can rest too.  And I am grateful for hubby, who usually makes sure I get at least a catnap on the weekends in return for letting him sleep in.

In spite of my great regard and recognition of my sometimes desperate need for a nap, I sometimes still struggle with whether or not I should take one.

Another one of my mantras is do what you can when you can.  Although napping can fit into this guidance as take-a-nap-when-you-can-get-a-nap, it also conflicts with the general principle of efficiency.  Think of it, at least an hour and a half of almost uninterrupted time to get some exercise, do grocery shopping, wash windows, read a book, dust, assemble a baby book, catch up on missed television shows… if I were to give up my weekend naps for a period of two months or so, think of how much I would accomplish.  The Never-Gets-Done List might become obsolete. 

And yet, after making it through a weekend morning, my bed looks oh so inviting.

Alas, it seems that eventually, this inner conundrum may be resolved for me.   Now that our second little girl is 4, the signs are evident that she is on the verge of giving up her afternoon nap.  And the likelihood of having the two sisters quietly entertain themselves for even a catnap-length of time is low.  Squabbling is bound to occur. 

Still, I hope that I’ll be able to fit in a weekend nap occasionally.  It will still be necessary, after all, in order to handle the squabbles, and I’m sure hubby will support me.  But also imagine how much more productive I’ll be…

Gimme a break

I had a great Mother's Day.  I had a fantastic run, a nice brunch, a wonderful nap, and a lovely pizza picnic with ice cream for dessert.  However, it didn't matter so much what I did today that made it nice; it was more about how I felt.

For the past two days, I didn't feel like a very good mom.  I was exhausted, I was trying to do too much, and I was very irritable and grumpy.  The girls were challenging and difficult, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I yelled some.  I used my mean mommy voice too often.  I wasn't proud of myself. 

But today, after some time doing things for myself, and a really good nap, I've realised that I just need to give myself a break.  Not in the take-the-day-off, go-for-a-pedicure, or let-someone-else-mind-the-kids kind of break.  These would be nice too, and I'm sure that these would be lovely Mother's Day gestures received by many moms today.  But I'm talking about giving myself a break by easing up on myself, and lowering my expectations a little.

So this was my Mother's Day gift to myself, and I hope to carry it forward in the coming days, weeks and months:

I will accept less than perfect behaviour from myself and my children.  I will remember that they are little and that they need hugs and comfort more than strict discipline.  I'll make sleep and rest a priority so that I don't pass the threshold of grouchiness.  I'll try not to be bothered by toys not put away in their proper place, unswept floors, and unfolded laundry.  I'll let the girls paint their toenails with chalk and dig in the dirt.  I'll try not to be so bothered when they talk back to me or throw a tantrum over some ridiculous request.  I'll put off the grocery shopping, the clothes sorting, the vacuuming and the mending.  I will accept that these are crazy and challenging and difficult times, but remember that childhood only lasts a short while and when it's gone, I will miss it.  I'll remind myself that what's most important is that my children are healthy and happy and loved.

It's not always easy to give myself a break, but I'm sure that my family and I will be much better for it.  Certainly today, taking a deep breath and remembering these things helped all of us enjoy a very nice day.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!